(no subject)

[ink_splotch]

I'm so tired, but I don't want to go to bed.
I'm so scared, and what terrifies me most is, I don't know what I'm scared of. I'll just get really depressed reading, or just staring at the creek that runs behind our house. I get so scared that I'm going to be alone for the rest of the year. So scared. I try to paint a pretty picture to my family and friends, but the truth is, I'm disappearing over here. That or I'm growing so much stronger, so much bolder, in colors almost. I don't know which scares me most.
It's hard starting over. It seem to be a whole new life over here, and nothing quite the same. It isn't even close. And I feel out of place, like a puzzle piece in the wrong box, or a young star trying to find it's place among the other stars. Trying to be part of a bigger picture with out intruding and screwing up any constellations. And it'll seem fine on the surface, and my mask has no cracks, but then I come home, and sit in front of my computer and I read about other people doing the things I should be doing. Or I think about things that freak me more than anything about my new life.
My old life.
It scares me. That I'm still the same person, yet so totally different. I wish I weren't a teenager. Everything's so confusing and the world seems to tilt side ways, skewering my view. And I can't see where I'm heading, or which is the way back, and I'm scared. So terrified. I want...I don't know what i want. I want Julie to love me back, I want Josh and Sam to end up together, I want someone to save me from the hole I'm digging myself into. I want someone to recognize me. I want someone to know me. I want someone to see me. I want someone to hear me.
Why did I think I could do this? I know I'm terrible with new people. I can't do this I'm too scared. I'm terrified.
I want out.

Comments

[yatina76.livejournal.com]

Aaaw sweetie you'll do fine! I was just talking to Heidi last night and we agreed that you were just the type of person who could do this!

But you know, if it really is too much, just come home. You don't have to feal like a failure or anything because of it. People will understand. But don't you owe it to yourself to give it a chance?

From what I know of you, you're a strong (if slightly obsessed) girl and you just have to give it a chance. It's always the first couple of months that are the hardest. When I went away I called my mother every day for the first month telling her I didn't want to be there!

And I know you've found some great friends over there, can't you talk to at least one of them? They know you've been torn away from your family and friends, and they know that you have to be missing them like crazy. I know that it's much more easy staying with what you know instead of having the courage to throw caution to the wind (that was very intentional!) and try something new. You did that. And I admire you for having the courage to do it - something I never could.

So stay strong, hang in there, and we're never more than an email (or a phonecall) away!

{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

[shubassdk.livejournal.com]

What she said! Exactly what she said!! I can't add anything, because she said it all. Bugger...

[vampirespider.livejournal.com]

Thanks guys. I'm sorry you had to hear that little rant, but thanks for being there. It means a lot