(no subject)

I'm so tired, but I don't want to go to bed.
I'm so scared, and what terrifies me most is, I don't know what I'm scared of. I'll just get really depressed reading, or just staring at the creek that runs behind our house. I get so scared that I'm going to be alone for the rest of the year. So scared. I try to paint a pretty picture to my family and friends, but the truth is, I'm disappearing over here. That or I'm growing so much stronger, so much bolder, in colors almost. I don't know which scares me most.
It's hard starting over. It seem to be a whole new life over here, and nothing quite the same. It isn't even close. And I feel out of place, like a puzzle piece in the wrong box, or a young star trying to find it's place among the other stars. Trying to be part of a bigger picture with out intruding and screwing up any constellations. And it'll seem fine on the surface, and my mask has no cracks, but then I come home, and sit in front of my computer and I read about other people doing the things I should be doing. Or I think about things that freak me more than anything about my new life.
My old life.
It scares me. That I'm still the same person, yet so totally different. I wish I weren't a teenager. Everything's so confusing and the world seems to tilt side ways, skewering my view. And I can't see where I'm heading, or which is the way back, and I'm scared. So terrified. I want...I don't know what i want. I want Julie to love me back, I want Josh and Sam to end up together, I want someone to save me from the hole I'm digging myself into. I want someone to recognize me. I want someone to know me. I want someone to see me. I want someone to hear me.
Why did I think I could do this? I know I'm terrible with new people. I can't do this I'm too scared. I'm terrified.
I want out.

(no subject)

Sometimes, I make no sense. and then sometimes I have moments of complete clarity

(Read "Places I never meant to be" It's a shout out against censorship.)

(no subject)

There a sort of control to hurting yourself. It's the one thing you'll always be in control of no matter what.

I'm spinning out of control, have been for the past couple of years. I've tried analyzing myself, trying to find the one defining moment where it all went wrong. I can;t find it. I tried so many turning points, but the key doesn't fit in any of them, and now I'm over here 3000 miles from anyone who ahs the slightest idea who I am, and I'm even more lost then I ever was. I try to find the one point, but it's elusive, it spins like a star, so close that I can touch it, but when I reach out it's light years away. My mind turns to my obsessions, to my parents divorce, and I know I have no right to feel and think like this. Poor spoiled little rich brat, with supportive parents and s good solid family. If thats so true, then why do I feel like I'm a volcano, waiting for the pressure to get too high? Why do I suddenly get these breakdowns, where I feel a need to scream and shout at the world, why do I sometimes sit down and cry? Does everyone go through this as a teenager?

I spent all my life thinking I was different from the other students, Now I'm scared that I'm just the same, and I'll turn out just like them. That I'll turn out like the happy people I see everyday, happy in their ignorance, and proud of what they do. I'm scared I've stopped moving, that my life has come to a halt. And I'm scared the only way to start moving agian is through pain, through hurt. And that terrifies me and leaves me in control. What else can I do?