(no subject)
Oct. 6th, 2002 09:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ink_splotchThere a sort of control to hurting yourself. It's the one thing you'll always be in control of no matter what.
I'm spinning out of control, have been for the past couple of years. I've tried analyzing myself, trying to find the one defining moment where it all went wrong. I can;t find it. I tried so many turning points, but the key doesn't fit in any of them, and now I'm over here 3000 miles from anyone who ahs the slightest idea who I am, and I'm even more lost then I ever was. I try to find the one point, but it's elusive, it spins like a star, so close that I can touch it, but when I reach out it's light years away. My mind turns to my obsessions, to my parents divorce, and I know I have no right to feel and think like this. Poor spoiled little rich brat, with supportive parents and s good solid family. If thats so true, then why do I feel like I'm a volcano, waiting for the pressure to get too high? Why do I suddenly get these breakdowns, where I feel a need to scream and shout at the world, why do I sometimes sit down and cry? Does everyone go through this as a teenager?
I spent all my life thinking I was different from the other students, Now I'm scared that I'm just the same, and I'll turn out just like them. That I'll turn out like the happy people I see everyday, happy in their ignorance, and proud of what they do. I'm scared I've stopped moving, that my life has come to a halt. And I'm scared the only way to start moving agian is through pain, through hurt. And that terrifies me and leaves me in control. What else can I do?
I'm spinning out of control, have been for the past couple of years. I've tried analyzing myself, trying to find the one defining moment where it all went wrong. I can;t find it. I tried so many turning points, but the key doesn't fit in any of them, and now I'm over here 3000 miles from anyone who ahs the slightest idea who I am, and I'm even more lost then I ever was. I try to find the one point, but it's elusive, it spins like a star, so close that I can touch it, but when I reach out it's light years away. My mind turns to my obsessions, to my parents divorce, and I know I have no right to feel and think like this. Poor spoiled little rich brat, with supportive parents and s good solid family. If thats so true, then why do I feel like I'm a volcano, waiting for the pressure to get too high? Why do I suddenly get these breakdowns, where I feel a need to scream and shout at the world, why do I sometimes sit down and cry? Does everyone go through this as a teenager?
I spent all my life thinking I was different from the other students, Now I'm scared that I'm just the same, and I'll turn out just like them. That I'll turn out like the happy people I see everyday, happy in their ignorance, and proud of what they do. I'm scared I've stopped moving, that my life has come to a halt. And I'm scared the only way to start moving agian is through pain, through hurt. And that terrifies me and leaves me in control. What else can I do?