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Nov. 20th, 2002 05:24 pmBefore you read this please note that I am very aware of the pity-factor in this rant. I am also aware of the level of patheticness in my writing. I need to get it out. I rant here. Thank you.
I hate the fact that I don't know who I am. It's so weird. It's like I've been wandering around for 15 years doing everything like in a play, and then suddenly some one has taken away my script leaving me with nothing. I'm suddenly shy, have trouble talking to people, I'm nervous, I get sad easyily and I let others get the better of me all the time. I thought I was getting better at this gig not worse. ARGH. I wish I could just pull myself together and just be. Not spend all my time, 24-7 thinking about me, myself and I. It's not like this year will matter much to me anyway, 10 years into the future, but it's still a year in my life and I want to make the most of it. But because I have little or no spine, I can't seem to do something as simple as that. I'm not talking being able to fly. I'm not talking climbing mount Everest. I'm talking about getting through Sophmore year with a bit of spine and dignity. Jesus fucking Christ. And it's so much harder than I expected. So much harder
It's not even as if I'm alone or ignored or anything. It's just my own timidness and lack of self-esteem. It's just that everyone else seems 100 times more self confident than me. It's just that I'm so counsed it feels like I spend most of my time running around in circles. I feel like such a mental case some times. Not to mention sounding like one. ARGH!!!!!
I hate the fact that I don't know who I am. It's so weird. It's like I've been wandering around for 15 years doing everything like in a play, and then suddenly some one has taken away my script leaving me with nothing. I'm suddenly shy, have trouble talking to people, I'm nervous, I get sad easyily and I let others get the better of me all the time. I thought I was getting better at this gig not worse. ARGH. I wish I could just pull myself together and just be. Not spend all my time, 24-7 thinking about me, myself and I. It's not like this year will matter much to me anyway, 10 years into the future, but it's still a year in my life and I want to make the most of it. But because I have little or no spine, I can't seem to do something as simple as that. I'm not talking being able to fly. I'm not talking climbing mount Everest. I'm talking about getting through Sophmore year with a bit of spine and dignity. Jesus fucking Christ. And it's so much harder than I expected. So much harder
It's not even as if I'm alone or ignored or anything. It's just my own timidness and lack of self-esteem. It's just that everyone else seems 100 times more self confident than me. It's just that I'm so counsed it feels like I spend most of my time running around in circles. I feel like such a mental case some times. Not to mention sounding like one. ARGH!!!!!
