hard to get by just upon a smile

[ink_splotch]

I've listened to this song six times in a row now. It's ridiculously soothing and suits my mood kind of perfectly. I love the gentleness of the Zulu words particularly - they sound so...sweeping.

Today's weird. It was mostly normal until I curled up to read The End of the Affair. It's cold outside and the snow's still coming down, and I've been reading as the light fades, meaning that my room is mostly dark, just my bedside lamp lighting up enough to read. It is so quiet, so - unreal, almost - so peaceful in a rather sad way. I don't want to leave my bed; even though I know that part of the reason I feel so sad, so melancholy right now is because of the dark, because I feel so far away from the rest of the house. But it's warm here, and quiet, and I think I'll stay a little bit longer.

Two weeks ago, I was accepted onto Sussex University's Gender Studies MA. So far, six people know: a guy from my course, R, my parents, Bean and Gemma. I'm feeling very ambivalent about it. I am pleased to have got in; the course has everything I want and the department is the best in the country. Still, I don't particularly like Brighton, the town the University is nearest, and I feel like moving to a smaller city, with a university that's further from the city, is just the opposite of the wishes I set out for myself. Three months ago, I was going to be in Newcastle with Gemma; now I'm at the opposite end of the country, and Gemma will probably be at a university nearby, but not that near.

I know it's just a year. I know. But a year breaks down into a lot of days, and right now, I think I need to be sad about what I thought I wanted, before I can be happy about what I want now.